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The following interviews took place in November 2012. The interviewer is Melanie M.
CELEB: Favourite colour?
Hank: White. There’s nothing like white.
Charlie: Blue, just like your eyes, my dear.
Tim: Favourite colour? What kind of a question is that? Do you know anything at all about colour? You, as you sit there with your little digital recorder and prompt sheet. Favourite colour? Put red! Red! That’s the colour I feel about your question.
CELEB: Dog or cat person?
H: Cat, definitely. No trouble, take care of themselves, look after number 1 and go for comfort. My kind of animal.
C: Dog of course. Man’s best friend and has been since we first domesticated them.
T: Neither! I refuse to work with animals. Look after number 1 all right, but who has to look after number 2? Dogshit or catshit, it’s all just shit when you get down to it.
CELEB: What’s in your pocket?
H: I can’t really answer that without incriminating myself, so let’s just say it isn’t a piece of string.
C: Hip flask, couple of tenners and some shrapnel, tin of cigarillos, pair of -
T: A first edition of Billiarden Um Neun Uhr by Heinrich Böll, a Hokusai miniature and my phone, though what interest this can hold for your readership, I can not imagine.
CELEB: Part of your body you like least?
H: My hair. It keeps going in my mouth.
C: Never been too fond of my bald spot.
T: My God, this is such a shallow exercise! There is no part of my body that I hold in diminished esteem, nor should there be nor could there be. But if you insist on an answer, I’ll tell you it’s my ears, because they are responsible for allowing your facile questions into my headspace.
CELEB: Favourite drink?
H: Gin martini, with 3 olives in a proper glass, filled to the brim with gin and no more than two drops of Martini. Not shaken, not stirred and drunk on an empty stomach.
C: Well you can’t beat a pint of wallop, especially if it’s followed by a few large brandies.
T: Spirulina and red grape juice.
CELEB: Most embarrassing moment?
H: Hundreds of them! Here’s one, when my foot slipped on the pedal and gave me ‘clean’ instead of ‘distort’ at the Albert Hall gig in ‘93. I sounded like John bloody Denver.
C: When I put my hand on the Queen’s knee during the Trooping of the Colour. Caused a right old ding dong, I can tell you. Didn’t realise it was her.
T: The moment I realised that you really feel there is some merit in this pointless exercise and intend to publish.
CELEB: THANK YOU ELECTRIC FORK
Back copies of Celeb magazine are available from the publisher.
